Here I am in my indoor hammock, stuck at home because it’s raining. It couldn’t be more perfectly timed, just when I’m feeling blue. So there I was, watching droplets of rain as they created ripples on the ground. Not realizing I have been staring blankly at the pouring rain. How could this rain be so beautiful yet so painful inside.

My mind was somewhere else. It was traveling back in time. To that moment when two souls crashed a shed to let the rain pass by. Two happy souls full of unspoken feelings, hopeful for a better future. There, we were all smiles, sharing stories of our silly childhood years, trying to get to know each other from a deeper perspective. Laughing at how different our cultures are.

The rain did stop, but not for long enough. It started pouring down really hard, and we had to seek shelter in another shed. I miss those loud laughs and warm smiles, those beautiful and penetrating stares. We were just waiting for the rain to stop; we didn’t realize we were making a bittersweet memory then.

Rain never fully stopped; it turned into tiny droplets, and we had to drive back. A warm hug from my back, grasping hands on my stomach, life had never been this better. The warmth felt like home. We were cruising under the droplets of rain, running over 70 kph; I had never felt so happy. It was bliss. Then the silly argument involving mispronunciation and childish behavior ruined everything.

Minutes of not talking turned into hours, and the rain never stopped, just like my sadness. Morning came, and there you were with me, but it just wasn’t the same. We lay in bed, our heartbeats in unison, staring blankly at the ceiling, not breaking the mood, as we listened to “Take Me” on repeat. It was a heavy feeling, both of us thinking of the impending separation, both realizing that sepanx was real. Our unspoken feelings were trapped inside the four corners of the room, trying to wreak havoc. Outside, the typhoon was inevitable.

The last night together…

We were being spontaneous, trying to spend as much time together as we could: sharing cigarette sticks, stealing kisses, exchanging secret glances, enjoying hammock shenanigans, getting messy sheets, feeling the hint of tequila on your tongue, intertwining fingers, exchanging naughty grins, sharing heartfelt giggles, feeling your cold hands on my nape, savoring lingering touches, warm breaths, playing with your hair, a peck on the nose, tracing your face with fingers, taking in your natural scent, deep kisses, warm hugs, palpitations, soft whispers – “I love you’s.” It was heaven on earth!

I blinked once and suddenly pulled back to reality. I swear it felt so real, it all seemed like yesterday; only that it was ages ago. I completely zoned out, and for a couple of minutes I am immobile. To then realize that my face is drenched with tears. It’s still raining, I’m still feeling blue, you’re still not here. I sobbed.

Rain has never been my best friend. For a lost soul like me, I dreaded rain only because it ruins plans and makes me stay in one place, which gives me massive time to think. But rain, as previously implied, is both beautiful and depressing. And as much as I want to hate it, I just can’t, because it reminds me of those lovely moments with you. No matter how bittersweet those memories were, no matter how many tears I cried every time I look back on them. Those were my precious moments with you, our moments together. We were happy, ecstatic even. We were in love, but just not meant to be.

We love each other, that’s for sure. Just maybe not the right amount of love. Just maybe not the kind of love that is strong enough to move mountains. But I miss you, been missing you, will be missing you, and you know I loved you.