Do you have any idea how much I love you? I bet you don’t because while I was busy loving you, you were silently still loving her.

I was stupid, blinded by the strong emotion I felt for you. I was once again DOOMED! But it was okay, because I was hopeful, and hope springs eternal, they say. I hoped my effort would eventually pay off, but it didn’t. Because in the end, you chose her and left me broken. It was devastating; it ruined me. I thought I had mastered the art of moving on, but I was wrong. The heartache seemed vaguely familiar, and again I started my healing process. In every process, there are certain stages you have to go through, and they are always hard and draining. The pain was excruciating; it was as if my heart was stabbed over and over again. The hurt demanded my attention; it wrapped my whole being for months, sucking the life out of me.

My stubborn self just won’t stop. Months passed, but I would still find myself wishing for you to come back, to no avail, because you love her. And when it’s the love you don’t have any control over, I can’t blame you; I can only blame myself. I used to stay up all night and just stare blankly at the ceiling, wondering what could have been, but I’m done with it now. Done with denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and I am down to my last stage: acceptance.

Truth be told, sometimes I’d rather sleep than stay awake, because in my dreams there’s still me and you. In my dreams, I am your one and only, not just the third party. There, I see your smiles that are only meant for me. There, I can still feel your touch, fingers intertwined, and your warm lips on mine. But now, with a heavy heart, I must let go so I can finally be set free from the prison cell that I put myself into when I started loving you. Now, what is left of me are the memories of what used to be and what it taught me.

For the ME that loves YOU, I will wait for the day when your scent wears off when the bruise heals, and my shattered heart starts to beat again.

And for the YOU who loves HER, be happy because that is what I’ve always wanted you to be, even if it’s not with me.