I was cleaning my room when i saw a shoe box of our memories, i wonder if we ever bump into each other again, should i ask you “do you remember how crazy we were for each other?” how i adored the natural glow in your skin and the love in your eyes every time i said your name and kissed your cheeks, that chubby cheeks, i remembered. all i ever wanted was to hold your hand every single minute of ever single day even when i was working i imagined myself holding your hands. your hands that held my lungs my bones my heart.. every piece of my living. i lived for you. remember? how i grew into you and you grew into me. remember? you were like my favorite sweater i never checked if you fit i just wore you every single day and pretended you look so good on me. remember our planned adventures? that no matter how life threatening it could be as long as there’s you and me we’d cheat death and breathe for each other. and once upon a time i use to draw one thousand maps on your back while you’re asleep and each map will lead us back home to each other but now that home smells like burning and im sill learning how not smell you in every cup of coffee and in every vanilla scented room. i still remember you when im making cheesecakes or making business plans. i still needed you to be there for me and call me when things get so cranky. but in the end you held my tears like they were salt on your wounds, promises not kept, every time i wept it’s for everything, between our first kiss and me scrapping your shattered love songs on the floor sobbing, begging please.. we got this let’s just give it one more chance. we can get through this. if you don’t believe me look at the scars i carved on my own skin to remind me that blood is nothing compared to heartbreak. but you looked at me loveless and with shotgun words you killed me there. i learned that when your heart broke faster than the speeding bullet it hurts a whole lot more than a hundred bombs exploding. and if id ever be given a chance to tell how i felt id tell you i love you and mean it for the very last time. and with and smile on my face and the love in my heart i wish you all the happiness i could never give. #letter #forgivemefordoingthis
What you did to me — was something I did not expect from you. All I ever did was love you. I prioritized your happiness over mine; even over to my family. I gave you my full attention, but all those years I am just a decoration in your life, a hidden secret. Because I loved you too much over the span of 3 years. It was a life of constant pain but it was okay coz I love you. And the pain of losing you is unbearable compared to the physical and emotional pain you’ve caused every now and again.
But the one time that I caused you too much pain you use it against me, You probably made it the reason for you to think its okay to seek comfort from other people. Or maybe that’s what you’ve been telling yourself, that it’s okay to move on from me coz I’ve caused too much pain. That was 1 time, I thought we were stronger than that, i had faith in our relationship. You used to tell me you’re not that kind of person who gets into relationship that easily after previous relationship, I trusted your words.. I trusted you.
But clearly that’s not the case anymore because now you’re with someone else. And while you’re happy with that person, I am here trying to salvage the pieces of my broken heart. I am here crying myself over someone that doesn’t deserve my tears. You told me to be happy, if it was very easy to be happy after what you did I would have chosen to be just that. But it’s very difficult, because the pain is overwhelming and it is what I’ve been feeling for the past 3weeks. And yes you told me it’ll be easier for me to get over you because I have new set of friends, I hope it’s that easy but who am I kidding. But that’s what you’ve been telling yourself right? To make you feel better, that I’ve got them so I should be fine. What else have you been telling yourself to justify your actions? To free yourself from guilt? That I have changed? Is that makes you feel okay of what you are doing to me right now? That I have somebody else in my life too? You know me better than that. And I wouldn’t be this hurt and angry if indeed I have somebody else in my life.
But keep on telling yourself that, to make you feel good. Because thats what you always do, and you’re very good at it — being selfish. Good luck to both of you, good luck to your future because unless you’ll change your attitude towards people, your personality, the way you think. You will always end up unsatisfied and unhappy. So enjoy the moment while that person doesn’t know the real you, because the moment that’s person discover who you really are, that person will realize how sickening you are. That beneath that facade you perfectly put up, is a rotten individual. Because you value other people’s opinion more than the people that matters.
I have to hand it to you though, you’re one gutsy person. You even blocked me. D’you think I will run after you this time? After what you did? My friends are right, it’s better to get rid of the toxic people in my life as early as now, and I really think my life would be better without you. I should be with people who will support me and will encourage me to do great things about my life, clearly that’s not you. Because what you’ve done all these years was pull me down. You’ve became the worst critic in my life, not the kind that gave me advice to be a better person but that one who just gave ill opinion for the sake of putting my confidence down, and it shouldn’t be like that. You were like an anchor that hindered me from moving forward. I didn’t know that before because I was blinded by my feelings, but now I can clearly see things. You are not worthy of my undying devotion. Time will come I will thank you for doing this to me, for breaking my spirit, for crashing my heart. But not today, no. Today I will bitchslap you with the truth!!
Enjoy your moment with that person because I know for sure that’s temporary, or If you’ll end up with together, well and good. Your welfare and happiness , or your image is the least of my concern now. So don’t ask me to promise something to you, because you’re not in the position of asking favors from me now. Continue looking over you’re shoulder, because people will judge you. And I won’t be there to give assurance anymore because am not obliged to make you feel better. The truth will eventually come out sooner or later and good luck! Karma is a bitch, it will catch up on you very soon. I’m so done with you now.
If anything, thanks for the 3years of being with you. It was longer than I expected it to last. You’re always be my dream come true, even when it turned out to be a nightmare. And literally, t’was hell of a ride. Thanks for the memories though it was not all bad. This is my last piece of the puzzle before I move on. Now live your life the way you wanna live it. And good riddance.
For all you thought, you need a new place to stay,
But you did not realize that your home is where her smile is at.
You thought someone can make you happier,
But you did not realize that her laugh is what makes you the happiest.
You thought someone came to be your sun,
But you did not realize that she is your moon that lights you up in your darkest night.
You thought someone’s sweeter than her,
But you did not realize that she is the cause of your most painful toothache that’s worth suffering for.
You thought that just because someone can give you her everything, she’s better than her.
But you did not realize, she had already given the last piece of her.
And you thought that you’re already in love with someone else but you… You forgot that you’ve already given your heart to her. And that’s when you realize that she still has it.
Yes, you lost her.
But then you realized, you also lost yourself.
Do you ever know how heartbreak sounds like? It’s like a missed kiss on your cheek before the alarm goes off. It sounds like the morning shower never taken. It sounds like a cooked breakfast for two taken by one. It’s sounds like the lack of voice saying your name plus the word beautiful in one sentence. They say you’d get that gut feel when a relationship is about to go down the drain.
I didn’t only had that gut feel, I have that feeling in my entire body, from the hairs on my arms, to my skin, down to my bones. The feeling of sadness seeps through my body down to my very soul. Most of the time i lay on my bed, eyes unfocused as Igazed at the ceiling, the past and the future a blank.
Waiting for that knock on the door that never really came. It was oppressive, suffocating – so quiet thatit eventually became a roar that drowned out everything else. I feel myself shrinking, like a sand castleslowly being washed away with every wave.
My mom is lecturing me while her eyes full of pity. Better days are coming she says. Days are breaking in all it’s new found glory yet, all i can think about is the past. Why didn’t you ever tell me that the foundation you taught me to stand on is made fromquicksand?
How can i ever get pass this roaring silence and numbing pain? I hope this downward spiral life will find an uphillslope soon.
My heartbeat slows down as I put my life in slowmo. Fingers on my wrist trying to search for my pulse, there! found it! Contemplating on doing the biggest sin ever and fighting that urge to slit that thin skin of my wrist.
Breath in, breath out! Chest even heavier by the moment. I closed my eyes and flashes of memories came overwhelmingly fast! Slides of familiar faces came rushing; new found friends, friends from work, friends from college, high school friends, then there’s my family. I can see them all smiling, as if telling me everything’s gonna be alright. Then childhood memories followed; saw my young self, all smiles. I was not born rich, but I was a happy kid. Where is that happy kid now? (consumed by pain changed by the harsh reality).
Eyes still close, I continued reminiscing the memories stored under my thick skull. Picked the happy ones and lingered on them. It felt great, It was like reliving my younger years, carefee and childlike. It felt beautiful. It took me some time, felt like I was in a limbo. And then I was pulled back to reality.
One thought rushed in, WILL I EVER BE MISSED WHEN I’M GONE? I’m quite sure my parents will, and the rest of my family, I supposed. And who else? I look back further, to those moments, times when I considered doing good things for others. It made me smile, I know I will be missed.
Artist : Sara Jackson-Holman
Song : Into The Blue
Album : When You Dream
If only if only I coulda been yours
Been your rapport and yours to adore
If only if only I would’ve said yes
Forgotten the rest oh I could’ve said yes
If only if only you’d ask me again
I’d give you my hand
Let you take me
across the sand
Into the blue
And faded world of my daydreams
I feel I’m falling deeper everyday
Melting away down a dark and endless abyss
I’m grasping at straws and I’m chasing the wind
As I fall on my face over and over again
If only if only I had the luxury of retrospect
Sounds like you’re speaking some sort of foreign dialect
If only something precious as time had a price
Instead of endlessly taking its toll on my soul
Oh so many if onlys running through my mind
What ifs and storybook endings time after time
If only if only you coulda been mine
I’d take you
Into the blue
And faded world of my daydreams
I feel I’m falling deeper everyday
Melting away down a dark and endless abyss
I’m grasping at straws and I’m chasing the wind
As I fall on my face over and over
Into the blue
And faded world of my daydreams
I feel I’m falling deeper everyday
Melting away down a dark and endless abyss
I’m grasping at straws and I’m chasing the world
As I fall on my face over and over again
They say “Friends give us courage to lift the blinds on our hearts. To open up and show what we generally keep hidden from the rest of the world”… So true indeed, and in my case you’re one of this so called “FRIEND”. You are someone whom I can relate to and be myself. You throw no judgements towards me, you listen then you understand. You forgive and then you forget. You are one of those people with a very childlike soul, kind generous heart, and the most selfless person I’ve known in my entire life. And for this I am always very grateful that in this life time i came across your path. I got the chance to know you and be your friend, Shared laughters and tears with you, most especially shared happy memories with you.
I have always been vocal how Thankful i am for your friendship, and so today I will tell you once more. Thank you so much “Pretty Sis” *wink-wink* for everything you’ve done for me. For all the memories we have experience (both happy-sad).
Story:
Never did I expect to meet someone so caring, sharing, loving and kind-hearted. I know I don’t deserve to be his friend (kay evil ra kaayo ko), but somehow we clicked and at this moment I am certain that we will be good friends till infinity. I know I’ve always been a b!*ch to him for quite awhile, treating him like $h*!, but he never did put any grudges in me. He’s still that kind-hearted person I met since day one. And so for his birthday I would like to acknowledge his presence and how much he touched my heart life in more ways than one. To Nikki, this is my shout-out to you and Happy Birthday I Love You.
with nikki taken at Camotes Island April 12, 2013
First, I would like to look back to that day we first met. I was applying for a job at a company he’s working as a Human Resource Personnel. He facilitated my preliminary exam and my initial interview, and he looked very young to be working at that company and to be facilitating the said application process. But he was very formal and I knew he meant business. Eventually, I got hired and two years after I am still working at the same company. I must admit though, I can’t remember vividly the exact moment when we first hit it off and started being real good friends. What I am sure of was that it all started over a bottle of Red Horse beer. I can remember going out with him and our other colleague after work to drink a bottle of beer. But instead of having one bottle, we ended up drinking one bucket while singing on the karaoke. From there we became drinking buddies and started spending a lot of time together (mostly drinking beer). I do think, I was his bad influence that time. But I didn’t really care coz I know we’re both having a good time. And after hearing his life stories and struggles, I know he deserved to have a break and just be free.
taking a break a busy Sinulog night
It was February 15, 2013 (Friday) when I introduced him to my best friend – Yami. Nikki and I, with our boss were hanging out at my place when I invited Yami over so she can hang with us. They instantly became friends, they hit it off that fast. We were uber drunk so they spent the night at my place. I remember the next day, Nikki left his phone in the cab still groggy from last night’s drinking session. Since then we became really close friends (The three of us). As we are officemates, we usually plan our night-out and just inform Yami the details and all.
Sinulog 2013 with our boss at Cebu, IT Park
We really did spend most of our time together. Every working day at the office, and then during weekends. We always hangout either just the two of us or with our boss and yami.
taking some well deserved timeout Sinulog 2014
What I really like about him is that I can tell him everything, anything at all. He just listens without any judgements. He knows all my secrets and he shared some of his secret. Whenever we’re together, anything is possible. And although he has this fear of riding on a boat, and ship, or sharks and other sea creatures, (literally anything that’s related to sea), he still accompany me to my all my trips. He’s brave, I hope he know’s that he is.
yeah, we kinda love the beach and we used to love to travel together, not anymore
Taken at Camotes Island, Santiago Bay Garden & Resort
We’ve been to a lot of adventures together; to Danasan where he experienced riding an ATV, we climbed Osmena Peak in Mantalongon, Dalaguete. We went to Camotes to celebrate Yami’s birthday. We went to Siquijor to celebrate something special, tour around the island riding on a motorcycle. We crossed the waters of Bogo City and went to Capitancillo Islet. We did an outreach event in Daanbantayan in the midst of the calamity brought by typhoon Haiyan. Went to Oslob together with our officemate to swim with the Whale Shark and went straight to Sumilon Island. Went back to Oslob to visit Tumalog Falls. We were even together during our company’s summer outing – island hopping. We experience these things together, we shared moments no one can take away from us. Together we made both our lives fun-filled and with purpose.
Final Draft : May 17, 2015
I did mention a year too late right? I’m not only talking about figuratively but also in the truest meaning of the word “too late”. Too late because as much as I am ashamed to admit it, we had indeed went our separate ways. And this letter won’t mean a thing anymore, nevertheless, I am publishing this letter to put all my cards down in the table and clean my conscience after this I can move on and start anew. And in the years to come and I get older, I would look back to this article and reminisce all our memories together. Coz what really matters to me are the memories we spent together, the experiences, the laughters, the moments.
Never too late to post this article, I suppose. Now I am feeling lazy to proofread this.
