Do you have any idea how much I love you? I bet you don’t because while I was busy loving you, you were silently still loving her.
I was stupid, was blinded by the strong emotion I felt for you. I was once again DOOMED! But it was okay, cause I was hopeful and hope springs eternal they say. I hoped my effort will eventually pay off, but it didn’t. Cause at the end, you chose her and you left me broken. It was devastating, it ruined me. I thought I have mastered the art of moving on but I was wrong. The heartache seemed vaguely familiar and again I started my healing process. In every process, there are certain stages you have to go through and they are always hard and draining. The pain was excruciating, it was as if my heart was stabbed over and over again. The hurt demanded my attention it wrapped my whole being for months, it sucked the life out of me.
My stubborn self just won’t stop, months passed but I would still find myself wishing for you to come back, but to no avail, because you love her. And when it’s the love you don’t have any control over it, I can’t blame you I can only blame myself. I used to stay up all night and just stare blankly at the ceiling wondering what could have been but I’m done with it now. Done with denial, anger, bargaining, depression and I am down to my last stage, acceptance.
Truth be told sometimes I’d rather sleep than stay awake, cause in my dreams there’s still ME and YOU. In my dreams, I am your one and only, not just the third party. There, I see your smiles that are only meant for me. There, I can still feel your touch, fingers intertwined, and your warm lips on mine. But now on heavy heart, I must let go, so I can finally be set free from the prison cell that I put myself into when I started loving you. Now what is left of me is the memories of what used to be and what it taught me.
For the ME that loves YOU, I will wait for the day when your scent wears off when the bruise heals, and my shattered heart starts to beat again.
And for the YOU who loves HER, be happy because that is what I’ve always wanted you to be, even if it’s not with me.
What you did to me – is something I did not expect from you. All I ever did is love you. I prioritized your happiness over mine; even over to my family. I gave you my full attention, but all those years I am just a decoration in your life, a hidden secret. Because I loved you too much over the span of 3 years. It was a life of constant pain but it was okay coz I love you. And the pain of losing you is unbearable compared to the physical and emotional pain you’ve caused every now and again.
But the one time that I caused you too much pain you use it against me, You probably made it the reason for you to think its okay to seek comfort from other people. Or maybe that’s what you’ve been telling yourself, that it’s okay to move on from me coz I’ve caused too much pain. That was 1 time, I thought we were stronger than that, i had faith in our relationship. You used to tell me you’re not that kind of person who gets into relationship that easily after previous relationship, I trusted your words.. I trusted you.
But clearly that’s not the case anymore because now you’re with someone else. And while you’re happy with that person, I am here trying to salvage the pieces of my broken heart. I am here crying myself over someone that doesn’t deserve my tears. You told me to be happy, if it was very easy to be happy after what you did I would have chosen to be just that. But it’s very difficult, because the pain is overwhelming and it is what I’ve been feeling for the past 3weeks. And yes you told me it’ll be easier for me to get over you because I have new set of friends, I hope it’s that easy but who am I kidding. But that’s what you’ve been telling yourself right? To make you feel better, that I’ve got them so I should be fine. What else have you been telling yourself to justify your actions? To free yourself from guilt? That I have changed? Is that makes you feel okay of what you are doing to me right now? That I have somebody else in my life too? You know me better than that. And I wouldn’t be this hurt and angry if indeed I have somebody else in my life.
But keep on telling yourself that, to make you feel good. Because thats what you always do, and you’re very good at it — being selfish. Good luck to both of you, good luck to your future because unless you’ll change your attitude towards people, your personality, the way you think. You will always end up unsatisfied and unhappy. So enjoy the moment while that person doesn’t know the real you, because the moment that’s person discover who you really are, that person will realize how sickening you are. That beneath that facade you perfectly put up, is a rotten individual. Because you value other people’s opinion more than the people that matters.
I have to hand it to you though, you’re one gutsy person. You even blocked me. D’you think I will run after you this time? After what you did? My friends are right, it’s better to get rid of the toxic people in my life as early as now, and I really think my life would be better without you. I should be with people who will support me and will encourage me to do great things about my life, clearly that’s not you. Because what you’ve done all these years was pull me down. You’ve became the worst critic in my life, not the kind that gave me advice to be a better person but that one who just gave ill opinion for the sake of putting my confidence down, and it shouldn’t be like that. You were like an anchor that hindered me from moving forward. I didn’t know that before because I was blinded by my feelings, but now I can clearly see things. You are not worthy of my undying devotion. Time will come I will thank you for doing this to me, for breaking my spirit, for crashing my heart. But not today, no. Today I will bitchslap you with the truth!!
Enjoy your moment with that person because I know for sure that’s temporary, or If you’ll end up with together, well and good. Your welfare and happiness , or your image is the least of my concern now. So don’t ask me to promise something to you, because you’re not in the position of asking favors from me now. Continue looking over you’re shoulder, because people will judge you. And I won’t be there to give assurance anymore because am not obliged to make you feel better. The truth will eventually come out sooner or later and good luck! Karma is a bitch, it will catch up on you very soon. I’m so done with you now.
If anything, thanks for the 3years of being with you. It was longer than I expected it to last. You’re always be my dream come true, even when it turned out to be a nightmare. And literally, t’was hell of a ride. Thanks for the memories though it was not all bad. This is my last piece of the puzzle before I move on. Now live your life the way you wanna live it. And good riddance.
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| Nova’s Travel Adventures | GOGA | Girls On Global Adventures |
For all you thought, you need a new place to stay,
But you did not realize that your home is where her smile is at.
You thought someone can make you happier,
But you did not realize that her laugh is what makes you the happiest.
You thought someone came to be your sun,
But you did not realize that she is your moon that lights you up in your darkest night.
You thought someone’s sweeter than her,
But you did not realize that she is the cause of your most painful toothache that’s worth suffering for.
You thought that just because someone can give you her everything, she’s better than her.
But you did not realize, she had already given the last piece of her.
And you thought that you’re already in love with someone else but you… You forgot that you’ve already given your heart to her. And that’s when you realize that she still has it.
Yes, you lost her.
But then you realized, you also lost yourself.